The Guilt

This is the elephant in the room, the thing no one wants to admit or talk about, cos frankly its too raw. But I’m going to face this head on in the hope I can start to move away from it, because I don’t think its healthy to hold onto it.

Every single day I wake up and look at Toms face and I see failure. Closely followed by the thought of please don’t leave me. Every time I look at him I think I am failing him, I can’t provide the children he so desperately wants, right now. The few times I have voiced this he shuts me down and mainly tells me I’m being a twat. Perhaps I am, but I don’t think he will ever understand the pain it causes me to know its my fault. I see him holding a baby or playing with friend’s children and it breaks my heart. He’s a natural, he wants this more than me sometimes and I am holding it all up. Of course, I know none of it is my fault really but there’s no stopping this thought process.

This ultimately leads to an irrational fear that he will leave me, particularly when I am at my most vulnerable and weakest. What if he gets impatient of waiting? What if my insecurities drive him too crazy? What if he leaves so he can have the family he has always wanted, with someone else?

The woman Tom married was strong, independent and confident, I almost didn’t need anyone because I thought I was going to conquer the world by myself. Now here I am insecure and paranoid and needing him more than ever. Its unchartered territory for both if us and I am not sure either of us is dealing with this the right way, if there even is a right way to deal with this. He’s not used to me needing him for emotional support and reassurance that he won’t leave and I am not used to having to ask for it. Although I think we are aware we are feeling different things and will therefore handle it differently, there are times where it doesn’t feel like we are a team. Its not anyone’s fault and we are doing our best to take it a day at a time, but shit this is hard.

We are such different people and we communicate very differently. Tom’s what I call a ‘bottler’ keeps it all inside and rarely lets than manly façade slip. As you can probably tell I am a talker. I talk about it till I am blue in the face, probably done a complete circle and started again. I’ll talk until I have thought of every option and emotion and processed it all, probably shedding a few tears along the way.

There isn’t a day this week I haven’t cried, and I feel insane, like I have lost control of my emotions and its killing me. I thought I prepared for this journey and what I thought it would involve but I think I am learning you can’t prepare for this. I was ready for the physical side, the pain I might endure (which used to be my only fear), the drugs and the operations I might face. But I didn’t think about the other bits, the bits you can’t see, the bits no one talks about. The head fuck this whole process causes.

A woman’s purpose is to reproduce, to provide offspring. Even in 2017 we are still traditional, we a see a couple and think oh they are married, own their own house and have a dog so next must be baby. I too have always thought like this. Now that same thought causes pain. This is I guess is why I think I am failing. As Tom put in his oh so manly way when we first found out something was wrong: “Would you need help to build a shed? (to which I replied yes) It’s the same, so you need a bit of help to have a baby” Such a Tom reference, such a ridiculous comparison but I have never forgotten it. He’s so rational and see’s everything so literally and I think it keeps me calmer.

It’s been a tough old week and a few people have said not to be so hard on myself. They tell me I expect too much of myself, I can’t have it figured out all the time and I need to just allow myself time. Have they met me? I’m the most impatient person ever! If I want something I go get it, but I can’t do that in this situation. But I am learning they are all right. I hate to admit it but I’m not sure the overthinking and grappling to control my emotions is helping. I think I am my own worst enemy. I need to learn to let some of this go and give myself a bit of break and I need to accept Tom will find his own, probably very logical way. Sometimes this process might be more independent other times a team, but we just need to take it one day at a time. (I’m going to be sick of hearing and saying that phrase but I need to learn it) This isn’t going to be an easy ride, I think there will be more bumps than anticipated but better to face up to it now and cut myself some slack. I don’t need to have my shit all together, all the time. Some days I will cry, and eat cake, and whinge I am fat, and tell Tom to leave me. Other days I might be the ‘old Tash’ all scenarios are allowed.

And Tom, please don’t leave me, please don’t give up on me yet. I am trying to claw back to myself, finding my feet a little. I need your humour and I need you. And you might need a lot of beer.