Dating Doom

Turns out I am getting quite good at this breaking up at New Year malarkey.

New Year new start and all that I’d rather start off fresh anyways. I am so determined 2022 is going to be my year. This is the year all my hard work really comes to fruition and I come into my own. We have so many holidays booked,

trips away, adventures planned and I just feel so comfortable with where I am in life right now. I have always been one of those women totally comfortable being single, perhaps that’s too intimidating for men as I enjoy my own company and know my self-worth. What’s that saying; I know what I bring to the table so I am not afraid to eat alone!

Anyways here are my top tips for a breakup bucket list:

- Allow yourself some time to wallow. I just needed a day but take the time you need cos its different for everyone but give yourself a time limit so after that you get up and get on, no more wallowing

- Binge watch a Netflix series – avoid a Romcom!

- Eat your feelings

- Drink your feelings – alcohol if you don’t have children, I had endless tea

- Get an STI test

- Get scrubbing – I cleaned my house inside out, might not be everyone’s thing but I did the same when Tom left, it feels so productive and I felt so dirty waiting for STI results

- Do a DIY project, you need something to keep your mind active

- Write some resolutions/goals – gives you something to work for and look forward to

- Every single day pick 3 things you are grateful for

- Get under someone else – once you get the all clear of course and be safe! But the saying is true…

So Jay. I’m not even sure what to say or where to start to be honest, it all just feels kind of irrelevant now. We were on and off for a couple of years, we met on tinder and he was my first ever date after my marriage ended. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but it kind of just landed in my lap and it seemed too good to be true (I should have known then!). Life threw us a few curveballs like a global pandemic and navigating a relationship around the army, long distance, 2 x house sales, a divorce and a child was pretty tricky. We took about 6 months apart to just get some of our shit sorted and when we reconnected in March 2021 it was serious from the get go. We laid all our cards on the table and started planning our future, he met Zak a couple of times and I even had my coil removed in October so we could let fate decide when we would have children as we knew the fertility challenges I was facing. What a fool I was. He cheated, twice actually. The first time was November and after several weeks of mulling it over whilst he was on exercise I tentatively agreed to give things another go because he seemed so desperate to salvage the relationship. He wanted to try and that’s more than Tom ever did so I felt encouraged. To be honest before my marriage ended cheating would have been a deal breaker from the get go but Tom leaving showed me life isn’t always smooth sailing. I think in reality I had half checked out though, because how do you get the trust back after that, especially living in different countries! Then he cheated again just after Christmas. There wasn’t even a conversation to be had that was the end. Once a cheater always a cheater and I deserve better. I was embarrassed and angry. Why did I even bother trying? He was great at saying the right things, but his actions speak a very different story.

I actually think he does want the future we talked about. He loved the idea of it, he wants a family and he loved the opportunity I presented. He used to say all the time I have never met a woman like you, you are so driven and you just get on with it. Perhaps that was the problem. Again. Relationships takes work, family life takes work, we all have to make sacrifices and either he just wasn’t ready for it or he didn’t want to put the work in. Life is about choice and he made his choice very clear, which helped me make mine. Never dating again!

I think one of the things I am most angry about is I feel like Jay has robbed me of having more children. Now I get that’s a bold statement but hear me out. I am 32 years old this year and I have PCOS. At 35 all women’s fertility starts to decline rapidly but with PCOS it basically drops off a cliff. The likelihood of me getting pregnant after 35 is very, very slim. After 35 you don’t qualify for IVF on the NHS and I couldn’t justify the cost. It took me 3 years to conceive Zak having sex 2-3 times a week. That gives me 3 years to meet somebody, build a relationship, and trust them enough and to actually get pregnant. That’s very low odds. I’ve always been a facts person and needed all the information and these facts speak for themselves. I know you never say never and I’m not, if the opportunity presented itself I would probably take it, but in reality I am preparing myself that my chances of having more children are over.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow as I always thought I would have 3 or 4 children and I definitely feel a little robbed. I don’t mean to be a pity party and I know its selfish dream but I feel like I just have this huge amount of love inside I wanted to share with a family of my own. I think I also clung to the hope I would have the opportunity of a positive experience next time I had a child, especially as I loved being pregnant so much. Hardly a fair shot when your marriage starts to crumble, both you and your child nearly die in labour and then your husband abandons you is it?

I just wanted to honest about how I was feeling because I am sure there are a lot of women in their 30’s who feel like ticking time bombs. It seems so drastically unfair that our peak time is so much lower than men’s when society hardly gives us a helping hand with getting a career off the ground and buying a house!

I don’t need more children. Zak is more than enough and with some of the challenges he has given me just this year I quite often think it’s a good job I won’t have more children! Perhaps if I do ever pluck up the courage to date again I will date someone who is a dad and we can make our own kind of blended family. I am going to be an Aunty in a few months and I can’t wait to have a little niece, I will spoil her and Zak with all the love I have to give. I am raising Zak to be such a strong advocate for women and I will spend the rest of my life in awe of how he overcomes so much. He makes me a better person, more than any man could.

I think in a funny kind of way Jay gave me full closure of my marriage ending, he made me realise that family life I was picturing was a dream and not reality. Now I’ll just make my own reality. Right now I am saying I’ll never date again, maybe I will change my mind but I doubt it’ll be this year. I am so comfortable on my own, I love my life and I don’t need a man to complete me, never have. I really believe you can’t be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself first. I may well enjoy the occasional flirtation or scratch an itch but I certainly don’t want a relationship.

As someone who always believes there is a lesson to be learned I can’t help but to reflect on the relationship with Jay. Although most of the relationship feels like a lie it did help me to establish somethings I like and don’t like (bearing in mind Tom was my only relationship prior to this). Jay looked at me in a way no one ever had before and complimented me all the time, something I had never experienced. I never needed it for confidence but I was surprised how much I liked it. I know my independence is the most important for me, I need space and time to be me, I don’t want to lose myself in another person. Which is why the distance with Jay was beneficial as it gave me time to enjoy my own space. I am more affectionate than I realised and maybe that’s since having Zak rather than Jay but it certainly never existed in my marriage and actually became a great comfort to me. I also enjoyed being able to talk at length with Jay about anything, whether it was the latest news story, my day at work or something Zak did that day. He always seemed so interested and we’d often be debating over a good meal and a bottle of wine. It helped me realise my love language is quality time. I want someone to make an effort to spend time with me, we don’t have to go anywhere or do anything necessarily I just want to know my company is appreciated.

So where does that leave me now? In a word – happy. I genuinely am happy. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel at work, I am in my own house, Zak is a medical miracle and keeps me on my toes and I just have so much to look forward to. At 32 I have never felt better or healthier. I have a solid village around me for support, I get such great quality time with my family and my friends are always there even if it’s at the end of a phone. I continue to take life one day at a time as I more than most have learned you can’t predict the future. I am sure there will be more curveballs and challenges but I’ll find my own way to navigate them. Happiness is not about getting everything you want it’s about enjoying what you have. 2022 I am ready…