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My Body is changing

My body is changing and evolving. It’s done something incredible, defied the odds and at the end of the journey I’ll have my own miracle. But am I supposed to be just ok and embrace the changes my body is making?

I find myself torn and going back and forth between thinking how incredible and lucky I am; to I feel disgusting. I’ve never thought of myself and shallow and it certainly wasn’t as if I had ‘the body’ before I got pregnant as I was by no means the next bikini model, but I was comfortable in my own skin and I knew who I was. Now I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. A stranger with a miracle growing inside. But still a stranger. Its not me staring back its someone who looks fat and swollen. I hate that this is what I see, and I hate myself for even thinking this. Everyone will say I’m crazy and pregnancy is beautiful, and I know they’re right but that doesn’t silence my insecurities. Pregnancy has brought insecurities I banished in my early twenties.

Maybe it’s because I am at that awkward stage where I don’t feel pregnant. It’s too early to feel the baby kick and although my bump is there, I see it and feel it, I don’t believe there is anything in there. In the early days I felt pregnant because I had sickness and heartburn and was so unbelievably tired, I knew my body was changing and preparing. Now I feel great most of the time, the sickness has passed, and my energy is back. The truth is most days I don’t feel pregnant! There are at least a few times a day where I ‘forget’ and try to lie on my front or squeeze through a gap that I would’ve been able to before and then I remember. I guess this means I’m lucky I’m having such a smooth pregnancy and I believe I have acupuncture to thank for the lack of symptoms. I’ve felt better than I did before I conceived most of the time, more balanced. When we were trying to conceive there wasn’t a single day I didn’t think about the fact I wasn’t pregnant, it would sneak up on me. Now I find it incredible I can forget the fact I’m pregnant because it’s something I have wanted for so long.

As I am over halfway through now, I am still getting my head round the fact I am pregnant and maybe that’s have the problem – I still can’t believe it! At least now I am reaching the stage where I am starting to look pregnant my bump is becoming a bit more defined and in my civvy clothes I show but my work uniform still hides it quite well. I seem to also have been lucky that I haven’t put on much weight anywhere else yet, still all tummy apart from slight growth in my boobs. At my last weigh in I had only put on 2 pounds, although that was a few weeks ago and I’m sure it’s changed now – my bump remains quite small considering I am 5 months pregnant.

It’s out of clothes I struggle with the most now, those awkward mirror moments when all I see is fat. As our holiday approaches I am starting to think about what to pack and I had to ask Tom this morning if I look pregnant enough to wear a bikini. E.g. I don’t want to wear a bikini if I just look fat, I only want to wear one if look pregnant as I would hate people to think look at that fat bitch! I just don’t want to buy a maternity costume if I don’t have to.

I think part of it is also knowing my body will never go back to how it was and will never be the same again. If I’m struggling this much now with the change, what about after? When everything sags and drops and doesn’t snap straight back. I highly doubt I’d be one of those women that snaps back because my body wasn’t like it before, why would it suddenly do it now!

Tom is so laid back about the whole process it doesn’t help sometimes. He doesn’t get freaked out or put off by any of it, he just goes with the flow. We’ve never been a couple that’s big on PDA’s, compliments or gushing posts about one another but there’s no denying occasionally now I’d like Tom to say I look cute or compliment me in some way. I fully understand why he doesn’t – after 10 years together we never really have so why start now?! It took me a while to realise I expected him to be different now I was pregnant, but unfairly so. I say all the time to everyone I don’t want to be treated different just because I am pregnant as women have been having babies for hundreds of years and I don’t want to be a whiny pregnant woman. So, from Tom’s perspective he doesn’t need to treat me different, I am still his wife, still independent and nothing has really changed because I am healthy. In his eyes I’m overly anxious and just need to relax, he’s not afraid to tell me when I am being a paranoid twat! This is what I love about him, the nothing fazes him part its calming and I’d rather he was like this than one of those men that freaks out or doesn’t adjust well to the process. Tom will be incredible when I am in labour and when the baby comes he will be such a comfort factor for me and the baby. I’ve never been scared about the baby part, its always been the getting to baby part…

I want to thank my body for what its doing and what it is going to give us, and truth be told I’m quite enjoying pregnancy considering I’m not suffering with any symptoms and feel great. Maybe when I start to feel the baby kick I’ll start to feel a proper connection with my ever-expanding waistline. And this will give me some reassurance. My aim is to put on as minimal weight as possible so not as much to lose after, for my own sanity, and fingers crossed breast feeding is a success for me – that’s 400 calories a day I’ll burn without moving!

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