Knowing I meant nothing

I'm jumping straight in on this one. Tom's girlfriend is 7 months pregnant, she is due in January, he told me last night. We had arranged to meet to discuss childcare at Christmas and a couple of things regarding the divorce and he told me at the end. With a smirk on his face. The best bit is Zak has known for ages and points to her tummy and says baby apparently. Fantastic. My 2 year old son knew before I did. In fact people at the rugby club knew before I did.

I'll just state the facts here and let you all come to your own conclusions and form your own opinions. Tom moved in with his girlfriend in April, in the middle of a national lock down. By my calculations she was pregnant within a month. Tom is 32 in January and apparently doesn't know how to use contraception. We sold our house in July. I filed for divorce in August (against Tom's wishes). Zak turned 2 in September and we had a party planned for him that we had to cancel at the last minute because of Covid. I moved out of our house and into a new flat at the end of September. Tom told me about the baby yesterday. In November. After he had told my child.

If I didn't feel like a fool before I certainly do now. I am the laughing stock aren't I; the last one to know. The one who is trying to cut all ties with him and finally shake off the last 3 years and he delivers the final blow out of nowhere. I don't even care about the baby it doesn't even surprise me, its the complete lack of respect for me that has shocked me. If Tom had ever loved me, ever cared for me, ever respected me even just as the mother of his child he would have told me sooner. He owed me that at least. I clearly never meant anything to him. 10 years together = nothing. Infertility struggles = nothing. Miracle pregnancy = nothing. Both me and my child nearly dying in labour = nothing.

You know the saddest part? I don't even recognise who Tom is anymore. He's not the man I married and hasn't been for a while. The man I married wasn't a coward.

I'm not sure I quite reacted how he was expecting me to last night, in fact I told him to get the fuck out. I have never been so angry in my life, I was literally shaking with rage and as per usual Tom looked at me dumbfounded wondering why I was 'overreacting'. It does make me chuckle how he continues to be surprised by reaction to things - this is what it looks like when you push a woman to her limits! I thought it best I ask him to leave rather than sit there and picture all the ways I could put his face through the wall and probably wake an innocently sleeping Zak who was in the next room. As soon as he left I was a shaking sobbing mess on the floor out of complete despair, anger and frustration. I rang mum, I text my friends, I cried, I puked (not unusual for me to have a stress vom) and I treated myself to a normal tea instead of a green tea. I felt like I had gone back 2 years in time to when I used to sob in the shower, when I used to snuggle into a tiny Zak as I wiped my tears on his muslin. I will not go back to that version of me, I have worked to hard, I survived worse. This time feels different because its anger not hurt or sadness. Last time I had a broken heart this time I'd just like to smash his face in. I don't want Tom back, I don't wish that was my baby and I don't miss him. The best thing Tom ever did was leave. But I am fucking angry. We are all in this situation because of him, because of the choices he has made. I am still trying to clean up the mess he left me in 2 years ago. We aren't even divorced yet!! I was tempted last night to withdraw the divorce papers and change the filing to adultery which I legally could do....

What I like to do on the hard days is compare the pain or emotion I am feeling to things I have already overcome. So where does this new anger sit in comparison to being 8 months pregnant with a miracle baby and being told by your husband he doesn't love you? How does this situation compare to Tom telling me 'he didn't see the point in staying' whilst I sat and fed our 3 month old son, who nearly died at birth? Short answer, it doesn't compare. I have survived 100% of the darkest hardest days and I am still standing. And I am smiling. Smiling down at the stubborn warrior of a 2 year old, standing next to me.

I hope for her sake Tom actually makes an effort with this one and asks how the midwife appointments went, helps get things ready for the baby and when she's birthed another human I hope he asks if she is ok and if she needs anything. Because she seems lovely to be fair and I never got any of that from him. Tom lives in his own world, he's in complete denial about any of this.

I keep smiling to myself and thinking of Zoe. She called it. She said this would happen! She's probably up there in heaven sipping on a cocktail saying I fucking told you! And that brings me an odd sort of comfort. She was so often right.

Zak will be an incredible big brother, he is so naturally loving and he adores babies. He seems to have a great relationship with his girlfriend and her daughter and that has to be one positive of the whole situation. Its Zak I feel bad for, because its him that will suffer in the long run. He never gets 1 on 1 time with Tom just the 2 of them because ever since Tom walked out he either lived at his parents or at his girlfriends. Whilst family is the most important thing, its so important for Zak to have that special time with just Tom too. Now throw a new baby in the mix and that opportunity disappears completely. Zak is at such a crucial stage and I am fighting every single day for him, reading books, doing research, doctors appointments and endless forms as I try to get him the support and care he needs. Zak has a disability, he has specific needs, he needs extra care and love. Be interesting to see how that pans out when he has to share a room with his new younger brother or sister won't it?

I don't doubt Tom loves Zak. And Zak clearly loves Tom. I never ever slate Tom when Zak is around, i don;t let any of my friends or family talk about Tom when Zak is around and I always make a big fuss of Zak seeing Tom. This will not change. I can be an adult and separate my feelings so my child has the right to a relationship with his dad. But I will never lie to my child. I will answer any questions he has honestly.

So am I bitter? You bet. Am I mad? Yep. Will I get over it? Yes in time. Am I being petty? Maybe a little - I have changed his name in my phone to a colourful swear word and it feels delightfully satisfying.

Everything happens for a reason but I think I have had my fair share over the last few years so please can I just take a little break from the drama now? I've no idea how my life has become so Jeremy Kyle! 2020 has been a shitty year, I've stayed so positive all year, even through a global pandemic and losing Zoe. But i'm done now, off you fuck 2020 and Tom well done you just undid all the hard work and progress we made in co parenting in the last 6 months and we are right back to square one, because you were too scared to pick up the phone.